Discreetly Bizzare, the gallery beneath a record company, is seeking a manager – apparently the third in just 12 months – and in a moment of self-immolation, I have applied for the position.
It is 10.35 a.m. and I ring the bell to the Some Bizzare offices in London. The door opens slowly and awkwardly. It is a scene worthy of great comedy: a handsome labrador rushes to the entrance, steals my gloves from my nervous grip and sprints off into the dark corridor. Confusion already. A large man, sweat pouring off of his forehead, is locking up his pushbike in this confined space. He barks at me:
‘Oi, yoo cahm fur da in’erview den? You’re early! Go rand the cornher and get yerself a cuppa tea.’
Slowly, painfully slowly, he reads through it. The door bursts open and his assistant enters with a cup of tea and a Bounty bar, which Stevo leaps upon like a cat on an agile white mouse. I think of this feline creature again, as I watch this defenceless chocolate bar squashed without mercy into the eager jaws of my interviewer.
So, my first unforgettable and delicate introduction to the barrow boy metal guru of the independents, Stevo. I duly return at 10.50 and am led downstairs to what at first seems to be the dungeon department. I hand him my C.V. as I rapidly seem to dematerialise into the deep leather sofa.
‘Right, this job involves a lotta budgetin’ ya know, you ain’t done any of that befour, ‘ave you?’
Before I can adequately answer he continues.
‘LOOK, you ain’t even got maffs O’level ‘ave you – Some Bizzare ain’t fucking subsidised you know!’
I politely point out that Maths O’level is indeed one of the seven qualifications I do have.
‘Oh.’
He shuffles in his seat whilst spilling molten tea down his throat. I can barely get a word in.
‘Dis ain’t a fuckin’ cushy job you know – you gotta sell. ‘Ave you dun any sellin’. It don’t look like you got no experience, ‘ave you?’
I rapidly realise that any chances of a decent interview have long since sunk away. My five minutes is already up. My gloves are returned, generously coated in a fine layer of saliva and I am led to the door. Over.
I can’t help but wonder if I would have stood a better chance being interviewed by the dog – at least he seemed to like me.
2024 Update
Discreetly Bizzare was a gallery set up by Stevo Pearce, the founder of Some Bizzare Records, intentially spelt wrong by the way, and a consistent challenge to any keyboard that uses autocorrect. In the mid 1980’s the gallery showed artwork displaying a similar maverick, risky and playful approach that Stevo held towards the music industry.
I was interviewed by Wesley Doyle for his illuminating book on the label, Conform To Deform: The Weird And Wonderful World Of Some Bizzare (Jawbone, 2023), but apparently Stevo requested the removal of this, without explanation. I found the manuscript of this piece in my archives, typed out neatly several times over, and thought it might be of interest to others.
